Communication Strategies for Talking about Money with a Significant Other

May 3, 2026 

If you and your partner are constantly arguing about finances, your problems could run deeper than an overdue power bill or an expensive restaurant meal. Conflicts over debt, purchases, and other financial matters may indicate relationship issues that need to be addressed sooner rather than later.

Money is one of the most emotionally charged topics in any partnership, and one of the most avoided. According to a 2024 study by the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy, 56% of couples argued about money, including spending habits, saving strategies, and debt management, more than any other topic. More than two in five U.S. adults believe keeping financial secrets is at least as bad as physical infidelity, while nearly half of Americans in committed relationships admit they don’t know everything about their spouse’s or partner’s finances.

Licensed marriage and family therapist and bestselling author Elizabeth Earnshaw, LMFT, CGT — an AAMFT Clinical Fellow whose work has been featured in The New York Times, The Washington Post, and USA Today — argues in her book ‘Til Stress Do Us Part that financial stress is among the most destabilizing external forces a couple can face, and that avoiding the conversation only deepens the strain. When money worries go unaddressed, they don’t stay financial problems; they become relationship problems, reshaping how partners communicate, listen to one another, and trust one another.

Why is talking about money important for relationships?

  • Conversations normalize the subject. If your parents treated money like a taboo subject, you might also avoid discussing savings and debt with a partner. Breaking that pattern starts with a willingness to name it.
  • Financial peace brings a sense of safety. Calls from bill collectors or fear of an unexpected emergency can generate chronic stress. The APA’s Stress in America 2024 report found that money and the economy ranked among the top stressors for U.S. adults across all age groups — and that financial strain consistently spills over into the quality of close relationships.
  • Transparency promotes trust. Being open about spending and saving keeps relationships strong and prevents financial infidelity — when a partner hides debt or purchases from the other. As CNBC Select reports in its coverage of a recent U.S. News & World Report survey, nearly a third of couples dealt with financial infidelity in the past year, with secretive purchases, hidden debt, and dishonesty about income being the most common forms. Those unpleasant discoveries erode the foundation of trust that healthy relationships depend on.

Online Counseling Programs has rounded up resources for couples to help them understand why money should not be taboo and how to approach finances at different stages of their relationship.

Table of Contents

How To Deal With Money Issues in a Relationship

Before the commitment stage of a relationship, couples should discuss money the same way they talk about their work, friends, and families. While it’s natural to ask a new partner about their relationship with family or how they grew up, conversations about financial history and values are equally important, and equally revealing.

As individuals grow closer, those conversations should begin to touch on subjects such as their philosophy toward money, their spending habits, and any debt they carry.

Talking About Finances in a Relationship

When people commit to a relationship, they should continue to engage in productive financial conversations. Fidelity’s 2024 Couples & Money Study found that couples who communicate well about finances are more likely to report that their household finances are in good shape — and more likely to feel confident about their future together. Yet more than one in four couples still identify money as their greatest relationship challenge, underscoring how much regular, intentional conversation matters. Strategies that can help include:

  • Schedule regular meetings to talk about money. If you have children, make it a family meeting. Make it weekly, bi-weekly, or monthly — whatever cadence works for your household.
  • Manage expectations about the meeting. Life changes, such as a job loss or promotion, affect money. Be prepared for emotional discussions.
  • Make clear how each of you values money. Does one partner prioritize experiences while the other values financial security? Understanding those differences can reduce conflict.
  • Work together to find a compromise or financial plan that satisfies both. Identify what expenses are a priority and make a plan to address them.

How To Have the Hard Conversations About Money

Finding ways to approach the subject of money can be sensitive, but transparency encourages trust. The Gottman Institute, whose research has studied thousands of couples over several decades, emphasizes that arguments about money are rarely just about money — they reflect deeper values, fears, and personal histories. Understanding what money represents to each partner is often the key to resolving financial conflict.

Practical communication tools that therapists commonly recommend include:

Use the Speaker-Listener method. This facilitates active listening. By allowing one person to speak at a time while the other listens and confirms what they heard before responding, the process becomes a more thoughtful interaction.

How To Use the Speaker-Listener Method:
– Partner A: I feel frustrated that we aren’t saving more money by staying home for dinner.
– Partner B: I understand that you feel frustrated that we aren’t saving more by staying home for dinner, but I get stressed by meal planning and preparation.
– Partner A: I get it. Meal planning and preparation cause stress, so why don’t we take out? We’ll at least save on drinks, parking, and a larger tip.
– Use “I” language. Blame is less likely to surface when a conversation begins with “I feel” or “I get stressed out” rather than accusations directed at the other person.
– Move the discussion forward. Dwelling on the problem is not helpful and can perpetuate a cycle of blame. Acknowledge it, then discuss common goals to reach a resolution.

Additional Resources for Couples With Money Problems

Articles

Books and Guides

  • ‘Til Stress Do Us Part by Elizabeth Earnshaw, LMFT, CGT: A research-backed guide from an AAMFT Clinical Fellow and Certified Gottman Therapist on how stress — including financial stress — is the underlying driver of most relationship conflict, and how to address it.
  • Couples and Money by Jackie Black: Questions that help couples understand each other’s values, beliefs, attitudes, and behaviors as they relate to money.
  • Couples Money by Marlow Felton and Chris Felton: Perspective on the financial dynamic of a partnership from a married couple in the financial services industry.
  • Home Finances for Couples by Leo Ostapiv: Practical financial planning exercises and budgeting tips for couples.
  • Thriving in Love and Money by Shaunti Feldhahn and Jeff Feldhahn: Research to help couples understand each other and make better financial decisions together.

Podcasts and Videos

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What Should Couples Discuss at Different Stages of a Relationship?

As couples mature, their relationships change. Their money needs may evolve as expenses change due to moving to new job locations, unexpected medical costs, or a growing family. The money conversations should continue at every stage.

Planning for Engagement and Marriage

Because being in a new relationship can be exciting and distracting, couples might overlook the importance of talking about finances. Establishing financial transparency early — before the commitment stage — is essential to avoiding future misunderstandings.

Questions don’t have to be blunt to be revealing. Asking in a conversational way, “Do you like to keep up with the latest fashion trends or tech gadgets?” or “If you had more money, what would you spend it on?” can open the door. Once that conversation starts, it becomes easier to ask more direct questions.

Tips for talking about money before couples enter the commitment stage:

Be clear. Don’t be vague or ambiguous. Ask direct questions such as: “I feel very nervous about credit-card debt and try to watch my spending and pay off balances monthly. Do you worry about credit-card debt?”
Be observant. People can often tell if something is being hidden by their partner’s reactions to questions about money. Are they nervous, avoiding eye contact, or trying to change the subject?
Discuss debt. If you have debt from student or car loans, talk about it. Ask a potential partner what loans they have. Full disclosure helps build trust.
State goals. Talk about what your plans are to pay off debt or other bills. Ask your partner to share theirs. You may discover ways to work together.
Recognize incompatibility. If your money conversations leave you with doubts, consider your needs carefully before entering the commitment stage.

Additional Resources for Couples Before They Get Engaged

Articles

Books and Guides

Podcasts and Videos

  • “It’s Giving Me the Ick: Dating and Money” from Marketplace’s Financially Inclined podcast: A 2025 episode featuring financial therapist Aja Evans on how to navigate money conversations in romantic relationships — from who pays on a first date to how to be honest about debt without shame.
  • Money for Couples with Ramit Sethi podcast: An ongoing series from the New York Times bestselling author and Netflix host of How to Get Rich, featuring unfiltered real conversations with couples at every stage of a relationship — from dating and merging finances to navigating debt and building a shared vision for the future. Available on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and Amazon Music.

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Planning To Buy a Home

Purchasing a home is another kind of commitment that requires careful consideration. Being a homeowner requires resources beyond money. Couples may have to invest time in upgrades or modifications, including researching, hiring, and coordinating with contractors.

Tips for couples thinking about buying a house:

Don’t rush. Pause and ask if this is the house you really want and how long you expect to live in it. Would it accommodate children or other family members — such as aging parents — whom you might bring in later?

Anticipate the unexpected. Take into account all potential expenses, including repairs that may be needed sooner rather than later. How will you save for an emergency repair fund?

Use experts. Check which banks, credit unions, and community organizations have advisors available, especially for first-time homebuyers. Some financial institutions provide free financial planning services. Couples don’t have to figure this out alone — if there’s an issue, there’s usually a specialist who can help.

Additional Resources for Couples Thinking About Buying a Home

Articles

  • “First-Time Home Buyer Guide” from Bankrate: A comprehensive, regularly updated guide covering every stage of the homebuying process — from getting pre-approved and comparing mortgage types to navigating closing costs and what to expect on closing day.
  • “Buying a Home Before Marriage vs. After” from Bankrate: A 2025 article specifically for couples weighing whether to purchase before or after marriage, covering mortgage qualifications, tax implications, credit considerations, and how to protect both partners legally.
  • “Buying a Home as an Unmarried Couple” from NerdWallet: Practical guidance for couples purchasing together outside of marriage, including how to title the property, what happens if the relationship ends, and how to structure a cohabitation agreement.

Books and Guides

  • “Your Home Loan Toolkit: A Step-by-Step Guide” from the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau (CFPB): A free, federally produced guide that walks buyers through budgeting for a home purchase, comparing loan offers, understanding mortgage terms, and navigating the closing process.

Websites

  • Buying a Home — HUD.gov: The U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development’s central homebuying resource, with information on FHA loans, down payment assistance, housing counselors, and programs for first-time buyers.
  • Owning a Home — ConsumerFinance.gov: The CFPB’s interactive homebuying hub, with tools for exploring current interest rates, understanding loan estimates, and comparing mortgage options at every stage of the purchase process.

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Planning for a Family

When couples start planning a family, they must budget for the obvious expenses: medical, food, clothing, supplies, and more. The financial commitment is substantial. When adjusted for inflation, raising a child from birth through age 17 is estimated to cost over $320,000 as of 2025, according to data from the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics. That figure doesn’t include college. A 2025 Cost of Care Survey from Care.com found that parents spent an average of 22% of their household income on child care in 2024, and the average parent has depleted 29% of their savings to pay for child care.

It can feel like there’s never quite enough money when children are in the picture, and the demands are always shifting. Before having children, partners should find common ground in these areas:

Attitudes about money: Think about the lessons about money from childhood and what each partner would follow or do differently. What kind of role models do you want to be for your children? Will your household’s behavior emphasize earning, spending, or saving?

Short- and long-term needs: Consider what expenses you’ll incur right away and later. Do you have money for child care? Will there be money for a car when the child gets older? What about a college fund?

Additional Resources for Family Planning

Articles

Books

Podcasts and Videos

  • “Make Your Donations Go Further; Plan for Baby Expenses” from NerdWallet’s Smart Money Podcast: A segment focused on major expenses that come with having a baby, including child care.
  • “How Much to Save for a Baby + Key Savings Tips for New Parents” from Clever Girl Finance: A practical 2025 guide by Bola Sokunbi, Certified Financial Education Instructor and founder of one of the largest women’s financial education platforms in the U.S. Drawing on her own experience as a mother of twins, Sokunbi breaks down expected delivery costs, childcare expenses, maternity leave planning, and how to build a baby budget before and after arrival.

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Planning for Retirement

Conversations about what retirement looks like for each partner can begin in the early stages of a relationship. Retirement should be part of ongoing discussions about goals — not a topic that gets deferred until it’s urgent.

Couples should share their vision and discuss ways to achieve it. Do they see themselves close to family, traveling, or enjoying the pace of a small town?

For couples managing tight finances, near-term saving — even a modest emergency fund — is a more realistic and equally valid starting point. Not everyone has the luxury of planning years ahead, and acknowledging that reality is part of having an honest financial partnership.

Additional Resources for Retirement Planning

Articles

  • “7 Retirement Planning Tips for Couples” from AARP: A September 2025 guide walking couples through seven critical decisions to make together in the “pretirement” years — including when each partner will retire, where to live, how to claim Social Security, and how to plan for healthcare costs. Draws on insights from a certified financial planner at T. Rowe Price and current Fidelity data on retirement healthcare expenses.
  • 2026 Guide to Retirement from J.P. Morgan Asset Management: An annually updated research report — now in its 14th edition — that uses real household data and proprietary research to examine how people actually spend, save, and navigate retirement. The 2026 edition covers Social Security claiming trade-offs, the impact of guaranteed income on retirement spending, tax-smart savings strategies, and the risks of spending volatility in the early retirement years.

Books and Guides

  • The Couple’s Retirement Puzzle by Roberta Taylor and Dorian Mintzer: Advice, anecdotes, and exercises related to 10 conversations couples need to have as they plan for retirement.
  • Don’t Go Broke in Retirement by Steve Vernon: Tools for generating the most income from Social Security benefits and retirement savings.

Podcasts and Videos

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How To Know When To Seek Couples Counseling for Financial Stress

Financial difficulties don’t always have easy answers. Sometimes couples need to seek help from a counselor, therapist, or financial expert. Knowing when to reach out is itself an act of care for the relationship.

In her book ‘Til Stress Do Us Part, Elizabeth Earnshaw, LMFT, CGT, explains that couples who stay stuck in chronic financial stress often aren’t failing at communication — they’re failing to recognize that stress itself has hijacked their ability to communicate. When financial pressure is unrelenting, partners may begin to interpret each other’s behavior through a negative lens, eroding trust even when both genuinely want to resolve the problem. That’s often the moment professional support becomes most valuable.

Signs That Couples Should Seek Counseling for Financial Issues

Wishful thinking: One example is when a partner says, “I wish we would do X, Y, and Z like we used to do” — a signal that the relationship has become defined by financial strain rather than shared possibility.

Communication failure: This occurs when partners yell at each other, shut down, or walk away from the conversation instead of working toward solutions. Screaming, withdrawal, and avoidance don’t resolve financial conflict — they compound it.

When you notice changes in how you and your partner interact around money — changes that don’t feel healthy — it’s worth reaching out for help sooner rather than later. A couples therapist or financial therapist can provide tools that are difficult to develop on your own when you’re already stressed.

Additional Resources To Know When To Get Couples Counseling for Money Problems

Articles

  • “Do You and Your Partner Need Financial Therapy?” from MassMutual: Differences in confidentiality standards between financial therapists and couples therapists, with a discussion of how each can help.
  • “Financial Therapist: What They Do and How to Find One” from NerdWallet: A practical, current guide explaining the difference between a financial therapist, a financial advisor, and a financial counselor — and how to know which one you need. Drawing on interviews with certified financial therapists, the piece covers the emotional roots of money conflict in relationships, what to expect from a session, how to find a certified professional through the Financial Therapy Association, and what situations call for therapy versus planning.

Podcasts and Videos

  • Healthy Love & Money hosted by Ed Coambs, CFP®, LMFT, CFT-I™: An actively updated weekly podcast hosted by a Certified Financial Planner and Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who specializes in couples and money. Episodes feature financial therapists, couples counselors, and financial planning experts discussing how to resolve money conflicts, improve financial communication, and address the emotional roots of financial stress in relationships. Available on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and most major platforms.

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Information on OnlineCounselingPrograms.com is not intended to be a substitute for professional counseling advice. Always consult qualified professionals with any questions about mental and behavioral health.

Last Updated April 2026